


one last drink

by stadiarosary



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Chicago (City), Fluff, M/M, New York City
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-24
Updated: 2019-07-24
Packaged: 2020-07-17 23:43:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19965193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stadiarosary/pseuds/stadiarosary
Summary: Doyoung's searching for freedom became a burden that he always carried from day to day. Years later, someone stopped him from drowning in his own sorrows.





	one last drink

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry if there's any grammatical mistake because English is not my native language. I wrote this fic while I listened to [Sweet Soul Chillout](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/37i9dQZF1DXbcgQ8d7s0A0?si=mfERVBcJSs2wmst8BNC-pQ) playlist on Spotify. Hence, it's recommended to listen to it while you're reading this fic! Comments and critics will be really appreciated!

The ticking clock told me restlessly that it was almost midnight but New York would never sleep as long as the skyscrapers still standing tall on the ground to impale the skyline. Bars and pubs which were concealed behind the thick walls, didn’t display a close sign yet. If I didn’t pretend to myself that I was a merely common human being, I would have been resting in my apartment now. Not only to wake up early, but also to feel peace surrounding around your body.

The last sentence was quoted from a motivational guide book for a healthier life that I bought a couple days ago. How beautiful yet full of bullshit when all I could think of was nightmares. The more I blabbered useless words in silence, the more nauseous my throat became.

A glimmering, old-fashioned glass in front of me started to dissolve slightly and I immediately shook my head to restore my proper vision. Though, it didn’t change at all and I could do nothing but rested my head on the wooden table. I just wanted to kill the night so I shouted as loud as I could while slowly raised my finger above, “One more, please.” 

I took a glance at the bartender and he looked at me with disgust, an obvious sign of rejection. “You’ve had it enough tonight, boy,” said him indifferently and then, he served another liquor to a customer sitting next to me.

My blood started to boil as I tapped the glass harshly on the table. “I said one more,” I replied even louder, hoarsely. At the same time, everything got blurry in a speed of lightning and as if I was being shot into space. My stomach couldn’t stand the pressure anymore and I lost my balance, falling onto the ground with a heavy thump on my back. Karma kicked me back so hard that the night hunted me instead of me getting rid of it.

Before the whole world went dark, I heard a familiar voice that every night I had been longing for and his soft perfume scent lingered again around me. I might be dreaming again this time.

\---

“Doyoung? Doyoung?”

Someone called me and I recognized the same voice right before my eyes were closed. My fingers slowly traced everything around me and my muscle memory recalled that I was touching my own blanket. Out of the blue, something punched me in the gut so I got up and tried to restrain my throat for a while.

“Let me help,” said him and I felt his sturdy arms helping me to drag my own body to the bathroom. After I finally crouched down in front of the toilet, I couldn’t help but threw up and let out revolting sounds in excruciating pain. Moments later, I realized how emotionally exhausted I was and my head almost hit the hard ground for the thousandth time but he immediately held my back. A couple drops of tears were streaming down on my cheeks and I still reeked of booze smell. What a hot mess.

I leaned back on the wall and took a deep breath. Eventually, I gathered some energy and also courage to speak although my heartbeat rate started to rise dramatically. “Johnny, what are you doing here?” asked me, squinting my eyes. He was wearing a baseball cap and a sky blue sweatshirt, complete with white jeans that nicely fit his slender and long legs.

Johnny shrugged. “Well, take a look at yourself. I’m sure you would be laying down on the streets if I didn’t take you home.” 

People might think he didn’t feel worried at all but his gaze said otherwise. “That didn’t answer my question,” I replied.

“You look like shit now, that’s why,” taunted Johnny, forming a smirk on his lips to declare his victory. “Really, Doyoung? Is this how you greet an old friend?”

“We’re still—” My voice suddenly trailed off as I regained my consciousness and the reality slapped me right on my face. Livescore of Johnny vs me so far: 2-0. “Yeah, you’re right,” I mumbled. Wait, what was the question again?

Johnny nodded slightly. “Uh-huh. Well, I’m not satisfied with that, to be honest.” He let out a heavy sigh and the air began to suffocate me once again. “How are you?”

I snorted. “You said I looked like a piece of shit and now, you ask me how I’m doing? What are you, a broken record?”

“You really don’t change, do you? Still sarcastic as ever.”

“You know the drill, Johnny. I never let my guard down.”

“But you did. Right in front of me.”

Fuck.

“Alright, I’ll make you some breakfast. You’re gonna catch a cold if you sit here all day. Can you stand?” asked him, lending me a hand.

“Yeah.” I grabbed his hand and he walked beside me who was helplessly limping to lead me to my bed. I sat down and then Johnny moved to the kitchen. My mind couldn’t concentrate and I was still unable to grasp an idea why and how Johnny could find me in the bar that I visited regularly almost every night. Did he really fly all the way here from Chicago? For what? The more I collected the puzzle pieces, the deeper I fell into the traps set by a stranger.

There was only one way to solve it. “Johnny, what on earth are you doing here? If you try to change the subject one more time, I’m gonna kick your ass out of my apartment.”

Instead of getting mad at me, he softly giggled as I heard the sizzling egg on the hot pan. “Gee, relax. I just wanted to meet you so we can hang out together again. That’s why I asked you how you were doing.”

“Fine, how did you find me? Don’t tell me you’ve been stalking me all day.”

“Doyoung, I thought you had such amazing memory. Remember how we used to come to that bar when we spent our holiday in New York?”

I totally lost this time.

“And how did you know my address?”

“Seriously, even detectives put more politeness and common sense when it comes to interrogation. Thanks to your identity card that we didn’t have to sleep outside. Your apartment keys were inside your pocket, in case if you’re still wondering. You’re welcome.”

It seemed that I was too hard on him on the first day after I didn’t see him for a long time. Johnny took me to my apartment when no one else was gonna rescue me from getting completely wasted last night. What an ungrateful silly man I was. “I’m sorry for bothering you,” I said.

“No problem. By the way, are you okay?”

The sympathetic expression on my face quickly turned into a frown. That was a deep question coming from Johnny and it slightly made a strange impression. What was he up to, actually? I shrugged and replied without having a second guess, “Yeah, why?”

“When you talked about freedom three years ago, I imagined something more beautiful that would make you feel happy. And I’m honestly glad to see you that you can afford an apartment on your own.”

“You just came here and now you bring that shit up again when I’m supposed to recover from my goddamned hangover.” I swore I could still hear the deafening echo of a broken glass in the corner from three years ago. It was a totally unnecessary move to conceal my true feelings that I regretted so much but thank God, there was no casualties involved. “That’s the reason why you came here?”

Johnny usually rolled his eyes and would absolutely continue the banter until he gave up. However, he only shook his head and his pair of eyes were still fixated on me. “I want to spend time together with you. Look, I even took vacation days for this. I’m not joking around, Doyoung.”

My mind yelled that it’s fricking weekend. “And for what occasion? I even forgot our anniversary date. When is it again?”

Johnny finished serving our breakfast as he carried two plates of sunny side-up eggs and some Vienna sausages to the dinner table. When I noticed there was no potato on them, I recalled that my fridge was already empty as heck. After Johnny and I took a seat facing each other, he continued talking again, “I’m not gonna fall into your old tricks again, Doyoung.”

Strangely, he didn’t take the cake. “What?”

“Just please—quit playing games, okay? Gosh, we haven’t officially broken up but I don’t care if you already have another boyfriend or girlfriend. Give me two days and I’ll be out of here, I promise.”

Only silence replied.

“If you didn’t change your phone number and didn’t deactivate almost all of your accounts, I would send a message to you to celebrate our anniversary although you’d never reply.”

I could sense there was a lump inside my throat.

“Your parents are missing you since you ran away, you know? You just left without saying any goodbyes at all.”

Johnny started to take over the conversation as if he was a moderator of a panel discussion. No one would be able to hold him back once his assertion game became much stronger. But I couldn’t care less about pleasing him again.

He added, “Your mom came to my house the day after you were gone. She was weeping the whole day while I explained the reasons why you left. I had to be honest even though I made a promise to shut myself up.”

I shook my head although my eyes were staring at my own fingers intertwining to wash away the uneasiness. Moreover, the father figure had been wiped off from my memory. “Johnny, I felt my life slipped through my fingers, It’s impossible for me to go back because everything didn’t work out.”

“I know, Doyoung. I know it like the back of my hand. I just—I couldn’t bear to see your mom crying for a long time. Well, guess she has gotten over you now, it seems.”

“Of course, she would. She’s a strong woman.”

“You can say that again but that’s not my point. We just missed you, you know?”

When Johnny said “we”, he only meant my mom and him. I strongly believed there was no one else longing for my presence. Heck, some of them called me a failure because I chose to stay away from their bad influences and I found a job much later than them. There was no way out other than escaping, breaking the chains I’ve been bounded to.

If my mind wasn’t allowed to arrange a train of thoughts in silence, I would retell every bit of scene when we were fighting like a damned melodramatic soliloquy. People would be tired and probably wondering how both of us could argue nonstop for three and a half hours long. One wouldn’t sacrifice his own freewill and the other defended his fortress of optimism.

“You’re hungry, right?” asked Johnny while munching on his food, waking me up from my daydreaming. “Come on, let’s eat. I’ve also made some tea.”

My appetite had gone somewhere else but I couldn’t let my stomach grumbling all day. At least, I grinned from ear to ear because Johnny’s cooking would always taste better than mine. How long had it been since someone made a meal for me?

Johnny chuckled. “Look who’s smiling now. How cute.”

He was still the old Johnny who I remembered.

“Stop saying that to me.”

“Which one?”

“The last word.”

“Oh, _that_. I’m sorry.”

We ate in silence but my mind kept whispering that one sentence without taking a break like chanting magical words from a never land. Someone missed me. It indeed seemed nice but I wasn’t capable enough to acknowledge the feelings myself and crafted them into beautiful words like Johnny often did to others.

But at least, I didn’t feel so… lonely.

Johnny suggested me to take a rest once again for a while after I drank a cup of sweet warm English breakfast tea. It didn’t taste too spicy but rather it was a classic one designed to sober me up. After I woke up from my little nap, he was a bit overly excited to show me his ‘tour’ rundown today in New York, reminding me of our good old days in campus. Apparently, Johnny invited me to walk on the path of nostalgia because we would visit Museum of Modern Art and then Washington Square Garden in the evening. He was also interested to check out the newest landmark here named Vessel.

Johnny raised his eyebrows after locking his smartphone, “What do you think?”

“Sounds good. I could be your tour guide tho.”

“You don’t have to worry. It’s all on me today.”

My eyes widened and I realized he wasn’t even kidding to come for me in the first place. “Thanks,” that was all I could say.

“Well, that’s the first ‘thanks’ today after I saved your ass but I really appreciate it. Welcome back, Doyoung.”

Oh God, I always hated when he teased me like that.

\---

The sky clearly wasn’t happy to meet us outside as the heatstroke temperature lowered down compared to yesterday and the wind was blowing hard. How fortunate, I wore a dark green drill jacket that nicely covered my white sleeveless T-shirt. Unlike me, Johnny was not the type to check out the weather forecast daily and liked to predict it based on his calculations which didn’t make sense to me.

On our way, Johnny couldn’t resist the urge to describe his enthusiasm on New York subways and I nodded along to his soothing rambling, letting out soft laughter once in a while. For the first time in the train, I didn’t plug my earphones in to block out the noise around me. He talked about his job as a photographer and a freelance copywriter, the lo-fi chillhop music he discovered on the Internet, and anything else random in general.

Once we arrived in the museum, he couldn’t take his eyes off almost every unique art installation and took a picture of it for his private collection. When we finally saw Vincent Van Gogh’s Starry Night painting, Johnny shared his right earphone so I could hear the audio description on the official app that had been downloaded. Instead of commenting, he just stood still and held my hand.

My heart almost skipped a beat. This exact scene hit me hard like a déjà vu.

After we wrapped up the museum visit, we ate a medium cheese pizza for lunch before we headed to the next destination: Vessel. I had never been there but both of us were deeply fascinated looking at that tower from afar. It was quite huge and the building was made of 16 stories which were structured to resemble a large honeycomb. Johnny challenged me to reach the highest floor and I accepted it with such confidence.

Despite the strong wind and my slight fear of heights, we laughed together at the highest floor and screamed our heart out. While we were observing the city’s landscape from above, Johnny took some selfies and I finally told him my new username account. Then, we exchanged numbers just like the first day we met each other on the orientation campus week.

The sun eventually came back into its hideout and we spent our night in a café near Washington Square Garden. Johnny ordered two draft beers and I almost got tricked by him and quickly, I corrected myself to order one more. It was my turn to tell my stories because Johnny begged me to explain why I was completely drunk last night. Long story short, my project was a total train-wreck when the board of directors knew their competitor had published the beta version of an application which had quite the same functions and features as ours. They were afraid of plagiarism issue and they said my team was a major letdown. It seemed so easy for them while I was heavily nervous that I scrolled a job finder website every night.

Johnny shook his head. “Your team could revise the app rather than scrap it. You know, like the sayings ‘copy my homework but don’t make it too obvious’.”

The classic meme that almost cracked me up. “Agreed. And I didn’t have a good sleep for days for nothing.”

Johnny got tipsy after drinking up five glasses of beer—which was weird to me because he rarely acted this impulsive—so we decided to find some fresh air in the park. We watched some musicians busking and took some nice stroll. Again, Johnny repeated to play out his role as we were walking hand in hand before going home.

\---

“I guess I’ll sleep on the sofa,” said Johnny and borrowed one of my pillows. It was already late and Johnny couldn’t stop yawning. “Good night,” he remarked inaudibly as the lights were turned off.

My sleeping time was incredibly out of order lately. Hence, I couldn’t fall asleep although I have tried changing several sleeping positions. There was no moonlight leaking from the clouds and all I could see was dull yellow lights in the background. I stared at the ceiling and recollected what I had done today.

Meeting Johnny was simultaneously a miracle and also a curse. The glooming past that haunted my subconsciousness, ultimately seeped into my brain and overrode the state of mind without permission. How was my mom? What would she be doing at this hour? I hope she was alright and my younger brother was doing fine in pursuing his acting career.

The catharsis of feeling guilty broke out in the end. My eyes were getting watery but I didn’t move a single muscle to wipe those tears. I felt my throat was getting choked by an unknown force but I redeemed myself so hard not to let out any single sob. There was an intense fight happening inside me because I was wrestling with myself, almost coughing up blood.

I guessed my own auditory senses deceived me as Johnny suddenly walked to my bed although I only heard silence. Then, he laid beside me, letting my head resting on his chest. He embraced me, patting on my back like a movement of a metronome.

I couldn’t lie to myself anymore so I revealed all of those buried sorrows without hesitating. So, Johnny could see with his own eyes that the loneliness had devoured on my soul for too long and there were only paralyzed bones which remained.

“I fucking hate myself, Johnny. I fucking hate myself. But I can’t go back, Johnny. And I—” 

Johnny looked at my eyes with his hand touching my face. “Doyoung, I know how you feel but it’s not your fault. I love you and your family loves you, too. You got a grip on your life here and that’s all that matters,” whispered him that made me burst into tears even more.

It was one of the longest nights of my life.

\---

The day after another, I still felt like a piece of shit. But not too much.

I didn’t want to stare at my reflection on the mirror this morning because my eyes would be swollen for sure. Johnny had not woken up just yet and his arm was still on my waist. My lips curved upward and my fingers tenderly stroked his black hair. I couldn’t lie to myself anymore last night and now, I couldn’t deny the fact that my heart was still burning for him although the flame had died down a bit.

Before I got up to prepare some breakfast, I gave him a kiss on his forehead. Somehow, I felt warmth out of nowhere, regardless of the sunlight shining through the window.

The clanking sound of a pan and cutlery seemed to waken up Johnny as I heard him yelling ‘good morning’. A moment later, Johnny the actor raised the curtain once again and replayed another cliché scene with me as his co-star. He hugged me from the back and had a peek on what I was doing.

I sighed. “I’m concentrating, Johnny, go away.”

Johnny softly giggled. “But you like it, don’t you?”

He was getting bold but I forgave him this time because he would be leaving for Chicago tomorrow.

He asked, “What’s our schedule for today?”

“How about having some tv series or movies marathon? You can decide whatever you wanna watch.”

“Typical Doyoung’s free time. I can order foods on delivery if we’re lazy to cook something for lunch.”

“Johnny, you haven’t had a breakfast and already talked about lunch. How poetic.” I rolled my eyes as Johnny’s breath was right on my neck. For real, I was internally screaming because it was ticklish and I was cooking right here. “And today is _my_ turn, so complaining won’t get you anywhere.” 

“As you wish, your highness.”

“Don’t ‘your highness’ me!”

We spent our day in my apartment, finishing up our breakfast and watching some movies that were highly recommended by both of us. I was craving for some sweet and heartwarming films so I chose Begin Again and Johnny was dying to watch a tragic romance one so we watched In the Mood for Love. Opposites didn’t always work out but watching those two contrast films reminded me of my rollercoaster-like love life.

While we were enjoying the hot wings that Johnny ordered online, I wished every day to be as same as this precious day. I’ve said it, Johnny being right next to me was like a blessing in disguise because I learned that I had to make a peace with my past self no matter what. It was like figuring out the untold stories although some things were better left unsaid. 

“Johnny, how could I repay all of this?” I said when the closing credits was rolling.

He raised his eyebrows. “You mean the money? Don’t worry about it.”

“No, I mean—you’ve come all the way here from Chicago. It’s just unbelievable.”

“When I found you in that bar, it was like seeing a fallen angel. Literally, a fallen angel from the chair,” said him while smirked.

“Oh, shut up!” I playfully punched his shoulder and Johnny exaggeratedly whimpered. 

Our eyes met each other and the distance between us was getting closer as Johnny leaned to me and softly whispered to my ear, “By the way, let’s go to the supermarket.” Instead of me hitting the ceiling again and smacking him, I nodded straight away because I was extremely aware that the fridge was gonna be empty anytime soon.

\---

We bought a handful of groceries, a crate of canned beers, and a bottle of red wine because Johnny wanted to enjoy some velvety and smooth drinks. The dinner was exquisite since we prepared some medium rare tenderloin steaks, mashed potatoes, and creamed spinach. I had to admit that Johnny was less frugal than me when it came to food.

To lighten up the mood, Johnny turned on the portable speaker from his backpack which was connected to his phone via bluetooth and we jammed out to some old groovy tunes. The steak was juicy yet delicate and the red wine was like a taste of paradise. After finishing our dinner, he invited me to dance out of the blue.

I shook my head. “Nah, I’m not good at dancing.”

“Doyoung, relax. This isn’t a dance competition,” replied him and he grasped my hand as the smartphone played Chaka Khan’s Through the Fire. The hands of the clock stopped moving right when I slowly followed Johnny’s rhythm. I couldn’t even remember when was the last time we danced to some smooth jam together.

“This could be our last dance, you know,” Johnny remarked that changed my eyebrows into a frown. “But, thank you for not kicking me out of your apartment, at least.”

I snorted in the middle of a supposed-to-be-romantic situation. “That would be plain rude, actually. No hard feelings, though.”

“Of course. And thank you for giving me another chance.”

“Consider me doing it to pay the price that I owed to you.”

His hand softly caressed my face. “Doyoung, don’t be too hard on yourself. You’ve changed a lot and you can finally stand on your feet. You made the right decision to leave.”

“Thanks,” I said quietly that almost sounded like a whisper. I flashed a pleasing smile because I hadn’t heard that kind of compliment for a while. “You’ve also changed a lot, Johnny. Let’s say, you’re more sympathetic and you were still looking for me who—”

“Humans change,” he interrupted me. “But, I’m happy that both of us grew up to become a better person.”

We were too young and dumb that we never thought of letting go to knock some realization into our head. When I took the train to New York that day, tears were streaming down on my face because I regretted so much about why I didn’t cherish those moments with my family and Johnny. I wondered if he felt the same thing too.

I deeply stared at his tearful eyes and pressed my lips on his. It wasn’t something passionate but a mellifluous embrace to finally open our sealed kiss. We drowned ourselves in our repressed feelings, tracing down the invisible marks tattooed on our skin for eternity. The moon was watching as we bared each other’s sleeves to uncover the pain which had been bottled up for years. We reclaimed the euphoria of love that had been lost between intervals of time like there was no tomorrow.

Regardless what would happen next, we prayed restlessly so our scars could gradually heal. 

\---

The moment I opened my eyes, Johnny was no longer there.

Though, he sent me a message. Since then, we chatted with each other almost every day and we made a video call almost every night. Johnny also asked me to share my phone number to my mom and my brother. Everything went back to normal although tears of happiness and yearning were shed.

However, the day we met was his last goodbye. He was right and I was too stupid to interpret the sign that it was indeed our last dance, our last drink that we indulged in. Weeks later, I left for Chicago in the morning when I received the news from my mom the night before. I could do nothing but wished that he could rest in peace.

Once again, I looked for solace in solitude and detached myself from the outer world for a while. Sometimes before going to work, my thumb swiped on the phone’s monitor from left to right so I could see his smile again, so I could hear his soothing voice again.

We made a promise that we would try our best to heal ourselves although it would take time as my wound became more severe since then. I was sure he would be disappointed in me if I decided to give up. Hence, I didn’t want to make him feel sad anymore.

Johnny, thank you for everything.


End file.
